"You're so smart!" feels like the kindest thing to say. But research on praise suggests it can have a hidden cost: children praised for being clever may start avoiding challenges, to protect that label.
What the research found
In well-known experiments by psychologists Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck, children praised for their intelligence were more likely to choose easy tasks afterwards and to lose confidence after a failure. Children praised for effort were more willing to try hard problems. Later research shows effects vary, but the lesson is useful: praise the process, not a fixed trait.
What to say instead
- "You kept trying even when it was tricky."
- "I like how you checked your answer."
- "You tried a new way when the first one didn't work."
- "That was hard, and you figured it out."
- "What was the trickiest part?"
Be specific and honest
Children notice empty praise. "Great job" for everything means little. Specific comments tell them what to repeat. And it is fine to say, "This one isn't right yet. Let's look at it together."
How to handle mistakes
- Stay calm: mistakes are information, not disasters.
- Ask what they think went wrong.
- Share your own mistakes and what you learned.
- Use the word "yet": "You can't do it yet."
Avoid labels
Labels like "the smart one" or "the sporty one" can box children in, especially siblings. Every child can grow in many areas.
Daily puzzles are a safe place to practise this: some days are easy, some are hard, and each puzzle comes with an explanation. Try the Smart Kids Club.